Let’s talk a little bit about domestic violence. First some truths. It knows no economic status, race, sex, religion, or politics. It can and does happen to anyone, men and women alike. It follows somewhat of a pattern. Whereas, the build up, the incident, and the honeymoon phase. Most women go back to their abuser at least once, if not more. Most victims believe it’s their fault and if they could do or be better it wouldn’t happen. That, however is not so. An abuser abuses not because of you, but because of themselves. Let’s understand some things, abuse usually doesn’t start out as the abuser just beating the hell out of you, although sometimes it does. But usually not. It is the systematic breakdown of one person (abuser) to another (victim). It involves name calling, belittling, isolating (he doesn’t like your family or friends), he wants to know where you are, who you are with, he wants you to quit your job or school. Then the fights get more frequent and more intense, until one day, boom! You’re hit or punched, or spit on, or have your teeth knocked out, or kicked, and of course it’s your fault. It can be any one or all of these things or more. What most women don’t realize is they are being broken down. They usually start out thinking how much this person loves or cares for them or is so protective. They may also be extra romantic or want to meet your children too soon(pedophiles also do this). They make you think you can’t live without them and they can’t live without you. This is all part of “pre abuse stage”. They have to “get you ready” to be physically abused, because if the started out abusing you physically right from the start, most women would tell them to piss off. Now don’t get me wrong, all the things they are doing leading up to the physical part are abusive too, they just haven’t crossed the line yet.
Fault is a big one to abusers it is always your fault they abuse you. If you were better, or smarter, or neater, or skinnier, or believed in them more, or just didn’t push them too far, they wouldn’t have to hit you. They only do it to make you better. They are hitting you to help you, for your own good. ALL OF THIS IS BULLSHIT!
They will not accept or be accountable for what they did. That is also part of it.
Now some things you can watch out for or do if this seems like someone you may be considering a relationship with:
- if you are feeling smothered, put some distance between the two of you and see how he reacts
- if he starts telling you everything “bad” about your family or friends beware
- if he wants you to quit your job
- if he blames you for everything or things that are clearly not your fault
- if he flies off the handle over little things
- if he tries to combine your finances too soon
- if he tries to meet your children too soon
- if he calls you names or belittles you
- if he doesn’t want you to better yourself
- if he tires to change you to suit him
Some things you can do if you are in a relationship with an abuser:
- if you are ready to leave- make a plan- be very secretive about it
- hide what little money you can for when you escape, although if you can’t do this, escape anyway
- you may have to leave with only the clothes on your back- remember things are NOT important- they can be replaced you CAN’T
- Unless you know your kids can absolutely be trusted- don’t tell them until you are ready to leave
- if things get too intense or you can’t go when you plan to- have a code word that you use in case someone else is helping you
- depending on your situation and how much freedom you have, may depend on how quickly you can put a plan into action
- I don’t recommend leaving if you are not 100% ready- if you leave and go back, your abuser will be on high alert for any differences in you, and this will usually make the abuse worse, at least for a period. Remember too, you will have to earn your abusers trust again and that won’t be easy- thus it will take even longer to make a new plan, if you decide to leave again
Whether you decide to leave or stay remember there is help available. Be safe!